My Life As a Fitness Model

The photographer described this final shot as "the perfect blend of femininity and strength." I have to agree.

I have a new respect for fitness models. You know, the girls in your fave ab-mags like Women's Health or Shape that manage to do a one-fingered plank or even something gynecologically humiliating and still manage to suck it in and smile? The ones whose captions say things like "Mara, 24, is a Pilates and aerial dance instructor and stays in shape by doing boot camp 8 days a week in a weighted vest. Her motto is: I strive for balance in my life."

Who hasn't always wanted to do Yoga in front of the sunset?? Where's Rodney Yee when I need him?

Well last week I got to be one of those girls when Turbo Jennie asked me and two others from her TurboKick class to pose for some promo materials (that I believe are actually going to be embedded in stone on our Y's legacy wall. I've achieved immortality at 30 - now what do I do for the rest of my life??). Yep, that's me up there on the left-hand side preparing to kick somebody's head off and trying not to crush the life out of wee Turbo Jennie when I fell over. Which I did after nearly every shot.

Holding a punch is much, much easier than holding a kick. J (on the left) and I were much relieved. Especially our poor booties.

Lesson Number 1: Holding poses is hard. It's hard enough doing a proper roundhouse kick. It's ridiculous when the photographer - a wonderfully talented and nice man everyone referred to as "Buddha" for reasons I never could figure out - yells out, "Great! Now can you just hold that?" My left butt cheek is now one size bigger than my right. I'm going to have do one-legged squats for a week to even out the difference. Not to mention that to get that nice "sweaty" sheen, the photog kept spritzing us down with glycerin water which while it had a pleasant rosy smell was apparently made out of mosquito pheremones.

I swear I eat enough fiber. Although how much do I love my bicep??

"Drop you arm. No, the other arm. Not your leg, just your arm. Look the other way. Chin down. Stop wobbling. Look fierce. No, not constipated. Fierce. Never mind, just look away. No giggling!" By this point I had contorted myself into something that didn't resemble any kick or punch and was possibly making the face that people do when they see Michael Jackson in person. Miss Tyra would not be proud.

Somebody teach me how to punch, please! And, also, how to stop giggling at inappropriate moments.

Lesson Number 2: Taking direction is hard. The photographer and Turbo Jennie had come up with a fabulous idea that would look both feminine and strong. The problem was in translating it to me. I daresay the other two models managed to look as fierce as if they wrestled tigers in their spare time without batting an eyelash. But me - I'm self conscious even when no one is sticking a camera in my face. Let's just say they took way more pictures of me and it isn't because I'm just so preeeeettty. But the photographer's brilliance prevailed and he managed to get a few shots that I'm actually rather proud of.

In my opinion, this shot of J is the best shot of the night. I want to see this in a magazine.

M's expression is so poignant in this one it kind of breaks my heart and I don't know why.

Lesson Number 3: Women are amazing. I got over my insecurity pretty quickly when I got to watch all the other girls posing. I was blown away by how beautiful and tough we can be. We were strong and tender. Agile and comforting. Trusting but not defenseless. All at the same time. Not that doing dancer pose against the sunset wasn't awesome - it was fantastically unreal - but the best part of the evening was sitting around talking with Turbo Jennie and the other girls after the shoot. Nothing fancy. Just girl talk. And it was amazing.

Dance Cardio is the Fitness Trend of 2009

Yep, that's a wee me being leap-frogged by one of my hyperactive dance partners from the Lindy Hop team. Good times.

Attention all nether rock dwellers: You might not have heard but we're in a recession. And the long arm of the recession has been particularly tough on the fitness industry. Gym memberships are down, fitness clothing purchases are declining and personal trainers are finding their business getting a lot tighter. Mainly this seems to be because people view fitness as an expendable luxury. This seems a bit disingenuous to me. In my mind, fitness itself is a necessity for good health and a sound mind but fitness can be achieved without spending a dime - it's called the outdoors, you've heard of it, right? So one way that savvy consumers are cutting back on their fitness luxuries without cutting out fitness altogether is to consolidate. Hence, the fitness trend for 2009 has been crowned: Group Fitness.

For those of you older than 20, group fit refers to what us oldsters use to call aerobics or cardio class. You basically have one teacher leading a room full of sweaty folks. Group fit has moved way beyond Jane Fonda and The Firm though and now you have options ranging from kickboxing to bootcamp to spin.

Whenever I mention group fit and my deep love for sweating with strangers - or just strange friends (hellooooo TurboKick!) - inevitably someone says, "Oh, I could never do that!" And hey, if you are happy running in the beautiful outdoors 365 days a year, I'm not interested in changing your mind. But many people avoid group fit because of one basic reason: self-consciousness. They say they aren't coordinated (read: I'll fall off the step or drop my weight on my foot or kick my neighbor) or they prefer working out alone (read: I don't like other people's bodily fluids flying at me) or even that they think they wouldn't fit in (read: I don't have matchy-matchy workout clothes, toned abs or I'm not 21.)

I'm not going to tell you that your concerns aren't valid (Well, except for the matchy-matchy clothes one. As long as it covers your naughty bits and gives you adequate support then wear whatever you want! You're just going to sweat all over it anyhow.) but if you can overcome your self-consciousness you will discover there are a ton of benefits to group fit. Not only do you have an instructor to tell you what to do - hard to think what comes next when your heart rate is in the red zone - but you also get music and, best of all, friends. It makes a huge difference to be able to laugh with someone else when you turf it. Plus it saves on money since the whole class is essentially paying the instructor's salary.

A great way to get involved in group fit is one of my all-time loves: dancing. Eight million viewers of Dancing With the Stars can't be wrong! For all of you who have sat on your couch and watched a parade of c-level stars shake their money makers, I am here to tell you that you can do it too! "But I'm not coordinated enough, blah, blah, blah...." Who cares? It's so fun that you'll forget all about the fact that your feet are more George Foreman than Mario Lopez. Plus there are tons of options in cardio dance. Latin classes like Zumba are exploding right now. Urban classes like Hip Hop Hustle are found in the farthest reaches of suburbia (not to be confused with Rihanna's Disturbia, although I can see how you make that mistake). Ballet, tap, swing, ballroom, and even "aerial dancing" where you spin suspended from strips of fabric are found in gyms near you.

Back in college I was on a Lindy Hop (a form of swing dancing) team. It was truly one of the highlights of my college experience. While we weren't doing it specifically for exercise, I definitely found that all the dancing made my butt tighter, my stomach flatter and my legs looked smokin' in those little red hot pants (see above). While swing dancing was my first love, I also got to do a lot of ballroom dancing and discovered Latin dancing. Which came in handy after I got married and my husband refused to swing dance with me saying I was too bossy and I back-lead. Both of which are true. (I'm a control freak, remember?) So the husband and I took up Salsa dancing together and our marriage has been muy caliente ever since!

Wednesday's Great Fitness Experiment Giveaway: Core Rhythms DVD Set
Would you like a chance to add some Flamenco to your flan (a bland Spanish dessert with the texture of cooked boogers)? One of my pet peeves about other dance cardio videos I have tried is that they take an aerobics instructor and teach her a few dance moves. This is exactly the opposite. In this 4-disk DVD set, international dance champions Jaana Kuntz (she of the hot pink hair) and Julia Powers (she of the big hair) teach you actual Latin moves from the Salsa, Samba and Merengue. I have to say that for an at-home workout, this is truly one of the more delightful ones I have tried. It's campy - the shiny costumes! the spray tans! the omnipresent ginormous set of abs pulsing behind them! and it's a decent workout - anyone who has ever watched "latin hips" in action knows those great abs don't happen by accident! Basically it's Strictly Ballroom meets Fit TV. It's aerobics for drag queens.

And it's so much fun you'll forget you are even working out. Plus you'll learn moves you can actually take with you to the club or your cousin's 3rd wedding.

One last super cool thing about these DVDs is that you always have the option to change the view at any time. So rather than staring face-on at the teachers, you can switch to a back or side view to really see what they are doing. It also comes with an introductory DVD that explains slowly and simply how to do the basic moves so you aren't left scrambling to catch up.



To enter to win your own Core Rhythms starter pack, leave me a comment below telling me how you feel about group fitness. Do you love a packed room of sweaty masses? Or do you prefer to work out that hip action in the privacy of your own home and then wow everyone at the next family reunion luau? Anyone want to go dancing with me?

A Weight Workout To Make a Grown Man Cry. Or Give Birth.

Some days are easy workout days. Which is fine. I have learned - many times over as I am a remarkably slow learner - that you don't have to hammer yourself on every workout. Last week was one of those weeks where I had blood-sweat-and-tears workouts on six out of six days. (More on that later.) So it was only appropriate that today's workout, a la The Monkey Bar Gym, was giggly, girly and short.

We started out with a lesson on kipping pull-ups. For the uninitiated, kipping pull-ups are used in everything from functional fitness workouts to CrossFit to playground double-dog dares. The gist is that you swing your body back and forth, using your momentum to help get your chin over the bar. They are supposed to be easier than normal start-from-a-dead-hang pull-ups. Which I suppose they would be if I had any coordination.



Kipping pull-ups are my fitness Waterloo - in my previous life as a gymnast, we used to do "kip-ups" as a way to swing into a starting position on the low bar. I loved kip-ups. They were even, dare I say it, easy. Which is probably why I am so frustrated that kipping pull-ups are completely beyond me. Anyhow, I am determined that I shall do a kipping pull-up someday and in the meantime am dragging all the Gym Buddies along on my quest for true pull-up mastery.

My How-To seminar was clicking along nicely until we hit a snag: nobody could even figure out how to do the kipping pull-up prep. Gym Buddy Lisseth tried to help me out by starting out spread-eagled in the squat cage and then jumping up at the bar with both her arms and legs bent. What we got was a hanging, grunting crotch shot. "What are my legs doing?" she screamed. "It's like I'm giving birth!!" (It's true - her knees were up by her ears, just like you see in birthing class... except she was hanging from a bar.) This caused the rest of us - pregnant and non-pregnant alike - to fall on the floor laughing so hard that visions of leaky waterballoons danced in our heads. You've heard of water births. Prepare for the next wave of SuperMamas: air birthing.

I'm afraid that the laughter only intensified when a kind-hearted but equally clueless man came over to help us figure out the kipping pull-up. You think a woman air birthing is awesome? Try a man. Not only did I pee a little but by I cried a bit too.

Since we weren't getting much of a workout - except for our abs, those sure were worked good! - we decided to move to handstand push-ups. Silliness reigned however and after a few half-hearted tries we switched to a plain old 5th-grade handstand contest. Gym Buddy Krista scared us all by falling over backwards, only to redeem herself with a neatly executed tuck-and-roll. We clapped and cheered (and got more of The Look) like we were 10 and the Jonas Brothers had popped in for a round on the ellipticals. Gym Buddy Allison impressed everyone with her snazzy workout socks that we never get to see because for some crazy reason we usually have our shoes on before almost taking out a random elderly woman. Did I mention we were doing our handstands in the alcove at the top of the stairs? Ahem. Gym Buddy Megan, busily gestating, did not do handstands but assured us the fetus was. And for my grand finale, I did an impressive backwards handstand walk... all the way into the closed elevator. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a bruise.

I think our workout today can be summed up by saying half the gym thought we were better than Comedy Central and were thisclose to throwing dollar bills at us while the other half wanted to kill us and are probably blogging about how to hide our bodies as we speak.

How does one redeem oneself from such a workout? By telling you what we did last week. Gym Buddy Shalom - she of the 4 minutes of Bosu ab hell - challenged us to do The Hardest Strength Workout Ever. She got it from one of her classes that she's taking for her Exercise Science degree. It is 33 minutes of pain, people. But we did it. And now I'm challenging you.

The Muscle Endurance Workout
Perform each exercise without stopping for one minute. If you or anyone in your group stops to rest, you must start the minute over. Take a 30-second break between each exercise. Perform the exercises in the order they are written. Weights listed are for women, men need to up theirs accordingly. Try not to weep. Especially when you get to #12. PS> Go potty before you start. Especially if you've birthed children.

1. Lateral raises (8 lbs)
2. Tricep dips with legs extended
3. Hammer curls (10 lbs)
4. Pec deck flys (25 lbs on the machine or 15 lbs in each hand if using free weights)
5. Lat pull downs (40 lbs)
6. Jumping squats
7. Push ups
8. Plyo box jumps (just jump onto a tall step or weight bench. Take off with both feet and land with both feet.)
9. Jumping jacks
10. Jump rope
11. Step ups
12. Bench jumps (place hands on weight bench or high step with both legs on one side. Jump both legs together over the bench to the other side. Immediately jump back. Repeat.)
13. Plank
14. Crunches
15. Mountain climbers
16. Hanging calf raises
17. Split squat jumps
18. Weighted ball twists
19. Pilates one hundred (go the full minute - not just until you count to 100, you wuss.)
20. Tricep hover (also known as the Really Hard Part of chaturanga push-ups)
21. Skull crushers (8 lbs each hand)
22. Barbell bicep curl (20 lbs)

So, who's going to give it a try? Anyone help us out with the kipping pull-ups??

The Strength Training Wars: Pilates vs. Kettlebells

Branching out beyond the adorable-yet-small-thinking tiny tots with their eyes all aglow crowd, Santa Claus made a pit stop at the YMCA this year. In an effort to reach an older and more lucrative crowd, while coal was not on the agenda - although I'm sure the resourceful and charitable Y folk would have found some use for it that would not have ended in pollution (new class! Functional fitness by pitching coal!) - lots of good fitness girls and boys were rewarded with exercise toys galore. A full line of TRXs were hung by the chimney with care and visions of kettlebells danced in the air. (And that, friends, is the closest to poetry I will ever get. I hope you enjoyed it.)

New fitness gadgets! Be still my heart. As you will recall, the versatile TRX is my number one recommendation for people looking for a home or traveling strength training system and kettlebells are one of the best workouts combining strength training and cardio that I've ever tried. So I was very excited to see that the fitness director was offering free classes throughout the month of February in not only the TRX and kettlebells but also something else I've long fantasized about: the Pilates Reformer. I promptly signed up all the Gym Buddies and myself for the Reformer and the kettlebells classes. (Seeing as my TRX Great Fitness Experiment was so recent, I didn't do that class.) I was specifically interested in pitting these two classes back to back - on the same day, even - as I get so many questions on this website about the opposing training methodologies that underlie each type of training.


Kettlebells
First up was kettlebells. My number one complaint about my Great Fitness Kettlebell Experiment last September was that I never got any live instruction with the little iron wonders and while they have similar properties to a dumbbell, they are not used in the same way a dumbbell is. Hours of reading and Go Fit! videos and online tutorials by the KB Queen notwithstanding, I still felt like I would have used them better with a little in-person help. Enter my free lesson.

It started off well with Gym Buddy Allison and I forgetting that I had signed us up for the class. Thankfully Krista was on the ball and reminded us by shooting emphatic looks at us through the studio windows until we clued in. We made it in at the last second. Warm-ups were light floor aerobics, entertaining mostly because Allison forgot she wasn't in Hip Hop Hustle and did a very cool dip in the middle of her grapevine left. Which would've looked cool if she weren't the only one dipping. And if we'd had Turbo Jennie's disco ball going. As it was, we just giggled a lot.

The class itself was a 30-minute butt-kicker. I knew the power of kettlebells to get the heart rate pumping but it was even better having someone else kick my butt rather than me yelling random instructions at the Gym Buddies. I completely pitted out my shirt in the first 10 minutes. The rest was just sweaty gravy. In addition to the KB swings, lunges and presses that we were used to, we got to try out a few new moves, my favorite being the one where you hold the handle and rotate the 'bell around your head. I believe the move was called an "around the world" and not only was it a great shoulder burn but it was also good for my ego. (My head being the world. Get it??) My only complaint with the class was that the instructors didn't do much to teach proper kettlebell form resulting in one Gym Buddy with bad back pain, a common first-time kettlebell complaint. Although the teacher later told me that in the paid classes, emphasizing and correcting proper form would be a priority.

The underlying principle of kettlebells, as I understand it, is twofold: a) whatever you do, keep moving and b) lift heavy. Other proponents of the lift-heavy and don't-rest-between-sets crowd include my fave The Monkey Bar Gym, my love-to-hate CrossFit and traditional body builders everywhere. They promise a lean, cut, muscular look sculpted in a short but intense workout. You remember CrossFit chick right?


Pilates Reformer
On the complete other end of the fitness spectrum is the Pilates Reformer. The underlying principles of Pilates include breathing, centering, concentration, control, precision and flowing movement. Less explicitly stated is the reliance on higher reps and lower weight with resistance provided primarily by the person's body weight and the Reformer machine. Proponents of this school of thought include the ubiquitous Tracey Anderson (trainer of Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow and author of last year's Ballerina Fitness Experiment). Anderson recommends never lifting any weight more than 3 pounds, doing lots of dance cardio and the Pilates Reformer at least twice a week.

Being leery of celebrity trainer types, I was excited to see what our Y Pilates Reformer instructor would have to say on the subject. Long, lean & toned - the quintessential Pilates bod - she made a good argument in favor of Pilates without even saying a word. When I asked her what her personal workout routine looked like she answered that, like Anderson, she advocates at least two days a week on the Reformer all though she did accede that for some of us that might be cost prohibitive. In addition she does a couple of mat Pilates classes and occasionally mixes it up with Free Motion machines (strength machines that focus on weight training without limiting your range of motion like traditional weight machines do) and some cardio on the elliptical.

The workout was quiet and relaxed compared to the Kettlebell class we had just completed and yet my muscles, especially my core, still quaked with each exertion. Rather than motion, there was a lot of emphasis on control and synchronizing the movements with our breathing. My favorite move was a sliding plank that hit everything from my core to my butt to my shoulders. We only had to do six reps and I grateful for that as I was quite sure I could not have eked out even one more. It doesn't help that the Reformer even looks like a medieval torture device.

After the workout, I hit the teacher with the question I'd been waiting all day to ask - one that I get from you guys with some frequency - "Do you think that Pilates and yoga on their own are enough strength training?" Her answer? "Yes." While she didn't specifically speak against traditional weight lifting, like Anderson does, she did say that she has gotten great results for herself and her clients with just Pilates. It made me think Experiment Time! (Anyone have a free Reformer they want to lend me for a month?? I'll take really good care of it and promise to never ever hang my clothing on it or make jokes about the Bowflex in its presence!)

The False Dichotomy
Despite the title of my post, I do believe there is room in a person's training regimen for both kettlebells and Pilates if they so wish. I thoroughly enjoyed both classes and would do either one again in a heartbeat (especially when my money from Nigeria comes through!) However, it seems to me that people tend to gravitate towards one methodology over the other. Some people just seem to enjoy lifting hard and heavy while others really like slower and lighter. For myself, if left to my own devices, I would do yoga all day every day and nothing else. Sadly, my genetics do not seem to agree with my idea of a yoga body. And let's be honest, I'm way too ADD to stick with one thing.

So what is it for you? Do you prefer the kettlebell way of working out or the Pilates method? Or do you consider yourself a jack of all fitness trades? Do you think Pilates/yoga is enough when it comes to strength training? Anyone else want Gwyneth Paltrow to just shut up already about how "normal" and "average" she is and just admit she's got rockstar genes and piles of cash and she likes it?

When Spandex Attacks: The Top 5 Worst Wardrobe Malfunctions in the Gym

It's the part they never show you in the glossy magazine pictures and peppy fitness videos: what happens when gym clothes attack. From small things like wedgies, camel toe, and muffin top, to big things like split pants, nip slips, and moonings to weird things like sweat stains in places people like to pretend they don't sweat, I've seen it all. So heat up a nice mug of schadenfreude because today I'm giving you a rundown of the top 5 worst wardrobe malfunctions in the gym. And you know most of them involve me. Sigh.

[Edited to add: One early commenter on this post was concerned that I and/or my commenters were making fun of individual people for their fashion sense or body type. I hope that that is not the case! In this post I try to keep the emphasis on what bad clothes do to good people. It doesn't matter what shape you are in or how long you've been working out, wardrobe malfunctions happen to the best of us and sometimes the only thing you can do is laugh at yourself:) I hope everyone feels safe here. Feel free to call me out if you think I'm bodysnarking!]

Five: Aerobics Instructor Splits Her Pants... And Keeps on Teaching
A classic example of good gym clothes gone bad, I had an aerobics teacher attacked by her spandex capris. There she was, teaching a great class and singing along to the tunes when she jumped into a deep squat. We couldn't hear the tear over the music but it became immediately apparent courtesy of the mirrors that line every flat surface in cardio rooms. What was also apparent was that she wasn't wearing undies. That was bad enough but the real hijinks ensued when we realized that she didn't seem to realize what had happened. At first I thought perhaps she was just going to finish out the track and then discreetly cross her legs for the rest of the class. But the next song started and she just kept on going, in spite of all the looks and muted giggles from the (thankfully all female) class. I mouthed to Gym Buddy Allison, "Should we tell her?" Allison shook her head as this teacher was not known for appreciating comments from the peanut gallery but changed her mind after the next song when it seemed the tear was widening. Before we got an impromptu class in Stripperobics, we approached her together. I politely pointed out the problem and Allison offered her sweatshirt to tie around her waist.

She waved us away with an impatient, "You girls worry about the silliest things!" And she finished teaching the class.

Four: Turbo Jennie Loses Her Top
I've shared this moment before - with her permission - but it was just so classic that it had to make my top 5. Jennie is known for her impeccable taste in workout attire. She always looks cute and put together but not in that I-spent-$700-to-buy-a-perfectly-coordinated-Lululemon-set way but rather I just rolled out of bed and happen to always look this darling. And on this particular day she was wearing a grey halter top that fastened behind her neck with a hook. A hook apparently made by Fredricks of Hollywood. It chose the moment when she was instructing the leg track in BodyPump, complete with weighted bar across her shoulders to disengage. Upon feeling the draft, quick thinking Jennie, turned around - bar and all - so her back was to the class. Which would have helped had she not been flanked by mirrors. Thankfully she was rescued by another instructor and in true fit teacher form didn't even drop her weights. Strangely attendance in her classes increased 10-fold after the incident;)

Three: Woman Aerobicizes in See Through Pants
There's a reason those super tight cotton leggings went out in the '80s. And it's not just because of the color blocking down the sides or a waistband you can tuck into your armpits. See, the thing is - they're thin. You wouldn't think that would be terribly worrisome as long as the wearer kept up on their personal grooming. But then you weren't staring them down while laying on your back doing abs. The combination of the thin cotton stretched too tightly, bright lighting and no underwear caused the Gym Buddies and I to come face to face with - well, there's just no polite way to say it - some distinct female anatomy. It was so shocking that I actually did a double take. It was Lindsay Lohan does group fit, minus any cutely placed smiley faces. Nobody needs to see that.

Two: Men in Split Shorts
So far all the victims have been women but men do not escape the wrath of Lycra scorned. Those of you who run in Serious Races (as opposed to the rest of us who "run" in "races") are well accustomed to seeing men running in side-split shorts. For those of you not so acquainted with this fashion delight, they're basically running shorts but much shorter and with a slit up each side that goes to the waistband to allow for greater leg movement (see above). For some reason I cannot comprehend they usually don't come with built-in undies and some men decline to wear any at all. Split shorts are fine and dandy for Serious Racing. They are not appropriate gym attire as demonstrated by not one but several charming older fellows at my gym. Evidence One: riding a stationary bike. Every time his leg went up, so did his shorts, causing Gym Buddy Allison to christen them the Cleavage Shorts. Evidence Two: the lifted quad stretch. This gentleman proceeded to lift his leg behind him in an elegant quad stretch. Sadly, I was right behind him and got to see what is normally the territory of nursing home or hospital staff. My mother, who is a nurse, says that if you've seen one set of twig-n-berries you've seen them all. I disagree. Ahem.

One: My Photoshoot for First
Last month I did an interview with First Magazine on how to get comfortable enough with your body to feel good working out in a gym (look for me on newsstands in January!) and part of the interview was a photoshoot. My previous experience as a fitness model was super fun and so I was all psyched to do this shoot. I had my own stylist! And makeup artist! And camera man (who giggled like a Teletubby)! And lighting assistant!

They all descended on the Y to transform me into a workout nymph and then photograph me in my natural setting. My first clue that things might not go as I envisoned should have been when they turned me into Sarah Palin in yoga pants. "Hmmm.... Does anyone ever tell you you like Sarah P..." the makeup artist started to ask as she covered up the burn marks on my neck that look like hickies despite being over 6 months old. "Tina Fey?" I interrupted hopefully. "Um, yeah, Tina Fey. You definitely look like Tina Fey." Because I'm sure Tina Fey works out in Tammy Faye worthy makeup and a bouffant.

My first top was cute: a little blue Danskin number with a built-in bra that actually made me look like I have something on top other than what belongs in a Kleenex box. I held 10-lb weights and preened and curtseyed and looked pensive and otherwise really ticked off all the people on the weight floor who had to walk around my circus to get to the weight rack. (Note: I started out curling 20-pounders as is my usual but then I realized that we weren't stopping at 3 sets of 8-12 reps. Nope, I ended up bicep curling for a solid half hour straight. While smiling. Which is how I ended up with wussy 10 pound weights. I have new respect for fitness models and their tiny baby weights. I was sore for days.)

The second outfit was where it all went wrong. We were well into hour two by this point and when I went into the bathroom to change, I discovered the second top - a super cute Champion dip dye tank - had no built in bra. I had no bra. The stylist had no bra. (For me. I'm sure she was wearing one. Not that I checked. Anyhow.) So I sucked it up and went commando, hoping it wouldn't be too obvious. It was terribly obvious. Especially when the flash went off. For the first time in my life I had empathy for Sharon Stone. I blushed and roundhoused with my arms clamped to my chest. The photographer tried to reassure me, "Don't worry, that's what Photoshop is for!"

And I might've been okay. There I was sitting in a full lotus bathed in golden light and trying my best to look ethereal and not constipated. I was relaxing, it was fun. But then the woman who was there to powder my scalp and smooth out the wrinkles in my shirt and pick the lint off the butt of my pants leaned down and whispered "Sweetie, could you lift those up? They seem to be, uh, falling." At first I thought she meant my feet. She did not.

I blushed from head to toe and then in true Charlotte fashion exlaimed, "I can't help it! I've had 4 children! AND I BREASTFEED!" The photographer burst out laughing. The assistant almost dropped her light reflector thingy. And the stylist looked as if I had just convinced her to never ever procreate. I couldn't stop myself. "You think these are bad? You should see my stretch marks!" Then I made them all turn around while I put the girls back where anatomy charts say they are supposed to reside. I'm sure they will remember me always.

Mini-Experiment: Using Vibrations to Intensify Your Workout

I have a disgusting confession to make. I went 54 hours without a shower. But wait, it gets worse - I did five workouts during that time period. So in addition to leg stubble that could cut a brotha and armpit hair that would have made me the envy of the Lillith Fair, I had the stank of five sweaty workouts slicked and then dried onto my skin. Normally I'm not this hygiene challenged but circumstances and a packed workout schedule (concerns about over exercising duly noted) produced a confluence of nastiness hitherto unprecedented. Which is how I came to be introducing myself thusly:

Man at Power Plate Gym: Hi, I'm James and I'll be your personal trainer today!

Me: Hi, I'm Charlotte from The Great Fitness Experiment and I stink!

James: Oh, well, um, really? I can't smell you.

Me: And you seem too nice to tell me if you did. But seriously, I reek. So, I'll just apologize in advance.

James: Ah, okay. No worries. We always wipe down the equipment after each client.

After that inauspicious beginning, I began my first workout on the Power Plate, a large-ish machine with handles and a rubber padded platform that you stand on. It's all very beam-me-up-Scotty minus the pointy ears. So I did my best William Shatner and stood confidently on the machine. Well, as confident as I could be standing on a very big, very expensive piece of equipment that I had absolutely no idea what to do with.

James stepped in to rescue me from myself. After pointing out all the buttons on the Power Plate and saying a lot of science-y things about megahertz and g-forces and actually using the formula Force = mass X acceleration properly in a sentence, he got to the point. "What makes the Power Plate unique is the vibrating platform. The vibrations engage 30% more muscle fibers."

I tried to nod but by that point the machine was quietly humming while I held a static 90-degree squat. Normally I can talk during a squat (heck, normally not much can stop me from talking as the Gym Buddies will attest) but the vibrations went from my toes to my head, causing a not unpleasant tingly feeling. The best I could manage without my teeth chattering was a "hummmooooooowwwwwaaaaa" that sounded exactly like when you talk into an oscillating fan. Which of course made me giggle. Which made me notice that even my cheeks were vibrating. Which made me giggle even harder.

James was a very good sport through all of this, pausing to let me say silly things like "Luke, I am your faaaattthhhhhaaaaaa" and even laughing good naturedly despite the fact that I'm sure I'm not his first client to pull such shenanigans. He patientely explained that the thing that makes the Power Plate unique among fitness gadgetry is that due to the vibrations you "feel like you are working less but your muscles are actually working harder."

"So you perceive your exertion to be less but you are really getting a better workout?"

"Yes, and in a shorter amount of time." The typical Power Plate workout lasts about 30 minutes.

More for less. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, is the holy grail of exercisers everywhere. But the question was, would the Power Plate deliver on that promise or would it end up like those vibrating exercisers of yore?

James led me through an entire workout focusing mainly on lower body and core. I did squats, weighted lunges, rows, bridges and even a plank all while vibrating at approximately 35 times a second. Other than making my fatty bits jiggle embarrassingly, it felt a lot like a traditional body-weight workout. It was hard to compare my rate of perceived exertion due to the fact that I was so entranced by the vibrating that I kept forgetting to focus on my body but I'm pretty sure I didn't work out as hard as I normally would have. It's also hard to measure something like "30% more muscle activation" but I did feel like I was using muscles to stabilize myself that rarely got used.

At one point James instructed, "Stop moving your foot."

"I'm not," I answered, trying to keep my teeth from knocking together.

"You are," he replied, pointing at my toes.

I looked down. Sure enough my foot was dancing around all of its own accord. How embarrassing. I tried to put a stop to it but I couldn't really feel it moving, leaving me with the dilemma of launching into a full-on softshoe or using my other foot to hold it down. Thankfully the machine stopped vibrating saving me from what could only end in further giggling.

James then instructed me to drink water telling me that the vibrations would cause a lympatic "cleansing." I had no idea that the lymph system could "cleanse" or what that would mean (more peeing?) but apparently you helped the process along by drinking lots of water.

"So how do you feel?" he asked solicitously when I was all done getting smellier.

"Tingly."

"And...?"

The owner of the studio interjected, "You might not feel sore tomorrow; we always go pretty conservative on the first workout."

But the thing was, I was starting to feel a little tight in my legs which from previous experience usually indicates that I will be sore the next day. In addition, I sweated (swote? swotted?) plenty so I know I was working something.

My Conclusions
Does the Power Plate provide a more intense workout than traditional weight training exercises? Perhaps, but I think you could achieve the same level of exertion without the fancy machinery, it might just take you longer. The real selling point for me about the workout was not that it offered the fitness equivalent of a proceed-directly-to-go-and-collect-200$ card but rather all the attention that came with it. Every time you use the thing, you get a personal trainer. The monthly fee was about what you'd pay for a membership at a nicer gym but when you consider that you are getting a personal training session every time you go in (and they do have other equipment like cardio machines to round out your workout), then the fee becomes a screaming deal.

So my recommendation is that if you have a Power Plate in your gym already, it's definitely worth checking out. It was one of the most unique workouts I've ever tried and definitely ranked high on the entertainment factor. Also, if you are interested in hiring a personal trainer long term then a gym like Fit U is a great deal. (Thanks to Dennis for the tip! And to Candice, Keith and James for the great experience!)