My Life As a Fitness Model

The photographer described this final shot as "the perfect blend of femininity and strength." I have to agree.

I have a new respect for fitness models. You know, the girls in your fave ab-mags like Women's Health or Shape that manage to do a one-fingered plank or even something gynecologically humiliating and still manage to suck it in and smile? The ones whose captions say things like "Mara, 24, is a Pilates and aerial dance instructor and stays in shape by doing boot camp 8 days a week in a weighted vest. Her motto is: I strive for balance in my life."

Who hasn't always wanted to do Yoga in front of the sunset?? Where's Rodney Yee when I need him?

Well last week I got to be one of those girls when Turbo Jennie asked me and two others from her TurboKick class to pose for some promo materials (that I believe are actually going to be embedded in stone on our Y's legacy wall. I've achieved immortality at 30 - now what do I do for the rest of my life??). Yep, that's me up there on the left-hand side preparing to kick somebody's head off and trying not to crush the life out of wee Turbo Jennie when I fell over. Which I did after nearly every shot.

Holding a punch is much, much easier than holding a kick. J (on the left) and I were much relieved. Especially our poor booties.

Lesson Number 1: Holding poses is hard. It's hard enough doing a proper roundhouse kick. It's ridiculous when the photographer - a wonderfully talented and nice man everyone referred to as "Buddha" for reasons I never could figure out - yells out, "Great! Now can you just hold that?" My left butt cheek is now one size bigger than my right. I'm going to have do one-legged squats for a week to even out the difference. Not to mention that to get that nice "sweaty" sheen, the photog kept spritzing us down with glycerin water which while it had a pleasant rosy smell was apparently made out of mosquito pheremones.

I swear I eat enough fiber. Although how much do I love my bicep??

"Drop you arm. No, the other arm. Not your leg, just your arm. Look the other way. Chin down. Stop wobbling. Look fierce. No, not constipated. Fierce. Never mind, just look away. No giggling!" By this point I had contorted myself into something that didn't resemble any kick or punch and was possibly making the face that people do when they see Michael Jackson in person. Miss Tyra would not be proud.

Somebody teach me how to punch, please! And, also, how to stop giggling at inappropriate moments.

Lesson Number 2: Taking direction is hard. The photographer and Turbo Jennie had come up with a fabulous idea that would look both feminine and strong. The problem was in translating it to me. I daresay the other two models managed to look as fierce as if they wrestled tigers in their spare time without batting an eyelash. But me - I'm self conscious even when no one is sticking a camera in my face. Let's just say they took way more pictures of me and it isn't because I'm just so preeeeettty. But the photographer's brilliance prevailed and he managed to get a few shots that I'm actually rather proud of.

In my opinion, this shot of J is the best shot of the night. I want to see this in a magazine.

M's expression is so poignant in this one it kind of breaks my heart and I don't know why.

Lesson Number 3: Women are amazing. I got over my insecurity pretty quickly when I got to watch all the other girls posing. I was blown away by how beautiful and tough we can be. We were strong and tender. Agile and comforting. Trusting but not defenseless. All at the same time. Not that doing dancer pose against the sunset wasn't awesome - it was fantastically unreal - but the best part of the evening was sitting around talking with Turbo Jennie and the other girls after the shoot. Nothing fancy. Just girl talk. And it was amazing.

January Great Fitness Experiment: The Lose 10 Pounds Diet

Reader Maggie made an astute observation in her comment on my post "Can You Be Too Old To Exercise?" Smart girl, she writes:

[...] it really bothers me when a fitness magazine has an article about loving yourself and your body the way you are... and on the next page there's an article telling you how to lose 10 pounds fast (!).

Shape Magazine heard Maggie and decided to give her a late holiday gift (just like when your aunt "forgets" you are allergic to peanuts and gives you a gigantic tin of her famous peanut brittle): On page 150 they have a delightful little article called "Banish Those Body Issues" illustrated with a photo of 6 naked women. (Why is it that for a woman to show she is body confident, she must be naked? Is confident and clothed some kind of oxymoron?) On the very next page is the article with largest font from the cover: "Drop 10 lbs This Month." Not only that but it was subtitled: "Our best plan ever!"

To paraphrase my favorite karaoke song ever "Why do you build me up (build me up!), buttercup baby, just to let me down (let me down!)?" (If you are currently singing "And worst of all (worst of all!), you never call darlin' when you say you will (say you will!)" then you will love this.) Shape gave me a challenge I could not refuse. I am going to do their "Drop 10 lbs this month" plan and see what happens. Will I learn to "banish those body issues?" or will I banish that pesky poundage?

I've always wanted to take a magazine at their word and then write about the results. It's like those commercials that say you can burn (tiny type) up to (huge type) 1,000 calories an hour doing Zumba! Now I love Zumba but I've done that class with a heart-rate monitor on and I'll be darned if I ever broke 400. This workout not only says it will "burn more than 400 calories in just 30 minutes!" they also promise "you'll have firmer muscles, your clothes will be noticeably looser, and the number on the scale will plummet. Plus you'll feel like you can take on antyhing the world throws at you." I don't know about you but interplanetary objects chuck stuff at me like all the time. Who can resist that?

It's the smart aleck in me. I can't help it.

All snarking aside, a lot of people look to magazine workouts for ideas and while occasionally they come up with some flat-out craziness, often they have some good plans for spicing things up. In addition to novelty, you can't beat them for cost effectiveness. In this time of financial hardship, shelling out a few bucks for a magazine certainly beats an hour with a pricey trainer. Also, they are widely available, come with pictures and are a good place to start. And what is January if not a good place to start?

My sister, who knows me better than I know me, pointed out that a lot of people find my Experiments intimidating because I'm such a die-hard exerciser (post about compulsive exercise coming at you soon!) "Why don't you do something that everyone can try?" she asked me the other day. "Oh but everyone can try the stuff I do," I began to enthuse. She cut me off, "What I should have said was, 'Why don't you do something that everyone will want to try?'" Ah. And while I do realize that some of you read this just for the freak-show appeal of watching me do hilarious and sometimes idiotic things - and that's not going away, don't worry - I do worry about alienating people who are just getting into fitness. Exercise is for everyone! No matter how young or old, how weak or strong, how thin or thick, how introverted or extroverted; there is something for everyone. So this month there are no excuses. This is a real workout - your quads will burn - but it is customizable to every level, requires little to no equipment and has a good healthy balance of strength training and cardio.

The Workout
You've got two days of the strength circuit in the magazine, two days of high intensity interval work and one day of something low-n-slow like yoga or walking. Every 4th day is a rest day.

The workout the Gym Buddies and I will be following is:
Monday - Shape Magazine strength circuit (see pictures below)
Tuesday - Boot Camp interval workout (you can sub biking, running, swimming or any other activity that gets heart rate upupup and then takes it down for a rest and then back up again. The key is the intensity - you want something short and hard. Don't go over 45 minutes. You want a suggestion? Do the 8/12 bicycle sprints!)
Wednesday - Shape Magazine strength circuit
Thursday - Yoga/walking
Friday - Turbokick interval workout (again, sub in what you like)

We will also be doing a Hip-Hop cardio class Monday nights that falls into the steady state cardio category and a TurboKick class on Saturday but that's just because we love those classes so much and can't bear to give them up. You don't have to add anything else in.

While I would be highly surprised if I lost 10 lbs this month, this workout has some new moves and takes anywhere between 30 and 60 minutes depending on how much time you have to give to it. If you can get past the editorial hyperbole, I think you might like it. We did it at the gym today and it kicked our butts! So throw those resolutions in high gear and join the Gym Buddies and I this month. This is your month, people and I want to hear all about it! Who's in with me?

Shape Magazine Workout Scans
*note: This workout uses a weighted ball but there is nothing special about the ball. If you don't have a ball, use a dumbbell or a milk jug or two soup cans. You can even do the moves without any weights at all! (Click the images to enlarge)

Trend Watch: Soft Porn Fitness

"If you've got it, flaunt it!" so the saying goes and fitness people certainly subscribe to this mantra. Seen a health or fitness mag lately? Unless it is Experience Life, I'd bet you a trailer of tuna steaks with whole wheat couscous and arugula ('cause everyone has those on hand right?) that the cover model is in some state of undress. The bikini-clad-standing-thigh-deep-in-generic-water pose is so popular that I don't think Shape has done a cover in the last 5 years without it!

Fitness TV shows, DVDs and podcasts are no better with female trainers sporting tiny booty shorts and sports bras. All the better to show off your hard-won physique right? Why else do we work out if not to get a body worth publicly baring? Ahem. Heck, even CrossFit's been porni-fied. And if you've ever tried CrossFit you will understand how very weird that is.

But is the trend going past flat abs and cut biceps towards something more... porno?

Reader Katie recently wrote me about a fitness site she feels very conflicted about:

The website is www.bodyrock.tv . [...] This website has really started to transform the way I approach workouts. They are short, intense workouts--from as little as 9 minutes to 45 minutes-tops. It's all bodyweight based and just requires a floor mat and the ability to do pull-ups someplace. The woman on the site is very fit and is not shy about sharing that these workouts are ALL she does and that a lot of her battle is also in the kitchen.

It all sounds great. Until you look at the site. I'm embarrassed to look at the site around other people because of the way her videos are shot, and the photos taken to show the individual movements. I feel like I'm looking at a soft-porn fitness site! When I've showed people where I've been getting several of my workouts from, they react with this same mixture of raised eyebrows, but then respect for her solid routines (and body). On the one hand, she sends such a positive message about being physically fit, nourishing your body with healthy food, and to a degree to not be ashamed to show off your hard work. On the other hand, she totally exploits her body and this razzes my feminist sensibilities. Therefore, the message gets a little muddled between the obvious display of silicone and play toward sex appeal and lack of modesty. This site combines so many of my vices---fitness, sex appeal, my love/hate relationship with this site's goals, and finding the real reason I work out--how much is for my own fitness and how much for outward appearance?

Here's a screen shot of one of the videos Katie is referring to: (to see the whole video, click the picture to go to her site. Her videos aren't enabled for external embedding - sorry!)

And here's a shot of Zuzana from her home page demonstrating a lunge:
I have to admit that while I am very used to seeing how sexified most fitness women are, this site seemed a little extreme. It wasn't the clothing per se but more the poses, expressions and mannerisms - ones our society normally associates with porn rather than fitness. Hawt TV trainers may dress like the sexy gym teacher or co-ed cheerleader every man dreams about but - here's the difference - they don't usually act like it. Zuzana calls our bluff and refuses to allow us to pretend that we're not looking at her boobs.

Celebrities on magazine covers and mad-hot Czech women on the Internet are one thing but what about real life? I remember the last time a girl showed up at my gym with night-club makeup, teased hair and sporting cleavage on both ends. People, both men and women, made negative comments about her look and the attitude they assumed she had. Jealousy rearing its ugly head? Or indignation about the breach of the implied moral code? Both?

The Real Reason You Exercise: To Get a Man

Tagline: "It's all about men."

This is exactly the type of idiotic advertising that companies do just to get a rise out of people so we'll all post it on our blogs and natter about it and give them lots of viral publicity and attention.

Sadly, I am unable to resist the bait and so I'm giving it to them. ("That's what SHE said!" ba-dum-bum.)

Men's Health magazine has launched a new advertising initiative ostensibly targeted at men but really aimed at getting the women folk up in arms. Probably because we're so cute when we make that little scrunchy mad face!

The basic gist - as you can plainly see; it's so unsubtle that I'm probably lowering your IQ by explaining it to you - is pictures depicting women exercising all alone, covered in sweat and exhausted. Why, you ask, is this poor woman blowing off a fun night with the girls to ride the one stationary bike in the deserted gym that isn't facing the beautiful scenic view? You see, it's because she wants a man. And as we all know (or at least so the magazines keep telling us), a man will only love us (subtext: will want to give us a good tumble on his high heat cycle *wink wink nod nod*) if we are svelte. Nay, not just svelte but skinny.

I mean, Lindsay Lohan's got nothing on this bony chick:

And this poor woman? Begging to have somebody jump out of the woods holding a chainsaw. Do women not watch horror movies? And why has nobody told us about reflective gear? And pepper spray??

The truly crappy thing about these ads are that they're partly true. As much as it pains me to write this, a primary motivating factor in getting women to exercise is their looks. You can enthuse about heart health and longevity and increased intelligence all you want and we'll all nod and agree. And then we'll jump on the elliptical and whine about how we're "working off dinner" last night or "running off the thigh jiggle". It's a sad state of affairs but it's true. And to any woman who denies being at least partially motivated to work out by her looks, I would ask "What if exercise gave you all the health benefits - but made you fatter. Would you still do it?" Of course not. It's why you see Katherine Heigl running on the treadmill for an hour and then lighting up a cigarette in the parking lot.

But there is one little nuance that the marketers forgot (perhaps intentionally?). Women don't get thin for men. We get thin for other women. We know that men like a few lady lumps. And yet we pursue perfect thinness. Not because it makes us more sexually desirable - often it has the opposite effect - but because it makes us the Alpha Female. We're competitive like that. Sigh. Stupid Men's Health.

Do Boobs Make the Fit Woman? [The Controversy Over Breast Implants in Fitness Models]

Image from Natalie Dee

"Knockers!" "Jugs!" "Fun bags!" "Sweater puppies!" Sitting in the darkened audience at the talent show my friend put on as a fundraiser for breast cancer research, I listened as all my friends called out their favorite euphemisms for boobs. I wanted to contribute - what's more fun than sitting in a big room talking girlie bits with all your best girls? (And no men, we weren't wearing panties and having pillow fights.) - but the pressure mounted as all the good ones were getting taken. Looking down for inspiration, it came to me: "Rocks in socks!" I blurted out. Silence. Then my friend next to me giggled, "Really??" I stood firm in my answer. "Indeed."

Nursing four babies has not been kind to me in the chest department. Sure I look amazing as long as I'm slinging the milk shakes but as soon as my drive-in becomes take-out only, I end up worse than before I began. And I'm not the only one. Plastic surgery is a topic that comes up among the Gym Buddies from time to time - it did this very morning in fact! (See, now don't you wish you came and worked out with us?) While there are a couple Buddies holding out for a tummy tuck and one who wants a reduction, the rest of us, if money grew on trees, would get the girls fixed.

Part of it is because while we can lose the baby weight with nutrition and exercise, we can never fix the saggy bits and we'd just like to have our old selves back. But part of it - the part we don't talk about very much - is based on a fundamental unrealistic yet oddly pervasive belief in the fitness world: that you can be very lean and still have very big boobs.

Image from Muscle and Fitness Hers

Reader Juni, obviously tuned in to the Gym-Buddy wavelength, sent me this question:

"So I buy just about every fitness magazine on the market and I gotta say that it makes me sad that I find it quite rare if I see even ONE model without breast implants. It’s such a strange contradiction, you know???? I mean, I do get it, you have a low body fat percentage and you likely have what I like to call “Boobinis”. Yet, as a women who works out to feel strong and happy with her capable body it makes me sad to see this and conflicted…. "

Juni makes an excellent point (and also "boobinis" is hilarious - I'm totally stealing that one from now on!) In case you missed 8th grade health class, breasts are largely made up of fat. So if you lean way out, reason stands that your chest will disappear just like the fat off your stomach. This is a conundrum for fitness models. Traditionally female "fitness models" had a very specific look, something akin to this:

Body fat low enough to show 6-pack abs yet still enough on top to fill out a sports bra with cleavage! Image from Muscle and Fitness Hers

While it's no secret that in the larger world of movie stars, Maxim and reality TV shows stick thin with grapefruit halves is highly desirable, you'd think that in the health and fitness realm with its emphasis on muscle mass over Barbie limbs that we'd get some slack in the chestal department. Not so. If anything, breast implants seem more prevalent in fitness modelling than typical women's modelling.

While some fitness professionals, like the ever-controversial Zuzana of bodyrock.tv, are unapologetic about their augmented assets, others are starting to buck the trend. Top fitness model Kim Strother (if you have read any health or fitness mag in the last two years I can guarantee you've seen her, even if you don't know her as anything other than "girl demonstrating ab crunches on large exercise ball") talks openly about losing jobs because she refuses to enlarge her athletic chest.

Self magazine's features director/fitness Meagan Murphy calls Strother the "new-school archetype" saying that she is "healthy, strong and aspirational." Murphy adds, "The supermodel won the genetic lottery. The fitness model worked damn hard for that body, and you can tell." She even points out that Strother differs from traditional female models in that most of the sample clothes sent for photo shoots are a size medium to accommodate her athletic build.

Kim Strother, full-time fitness model. Image from Slate.com

Normally "athletic build" is seen as a derogatory term - I remember the first time a gymnastics coach told me I had "athletic thighs" I cried for a week and went on a crash diet - but these days some fitness magazines want a model that can do more than just look pretty in booty shorts. They need someone strong enough to hold a plank in the sand for five minutes while wardrobe and lighting are adjusted, someone who can jump 83 times in the air to get the perfect "spontaneous" shot, someone who can demonstrate proper squatting form. And with online video complements to articles, that is getting harder and harder to fake.

Personally I hope that Strother is the wave of the future, if only for the fact that with as many kids as I have there's no way I'll ever be able to afford implants (and also, did you know you have to replace them every decade or so? A little too high maintenance for this surgery-squeamish girl!). On the other hand, I had two mommy friends get implants just this last week and they're super happy with the results (or at least they will be when the swelling goes down.)

What do you think - is the fake boobs/tiny figure still the gold standard or do you think smaller boobs are the next big thing? Are implants a way to restore you back to you and increase confidence or are they just more evidence of the unrealistic standard women's bodies are judged by? Do you have a favorite term for your boobs?

When Spandex Attacks: The Top 5 Worst Wardrobe Malfunctions in the Gym

It's the part they never show you in the glossy magazine pictures and peppy fitness videos: what happens when gym clothes attack. From small things like wedgies, camel toe, and muffin top, to big things like split pants, nip slips, and moonings to weird things like sweat stains in places people like to pretend they don't sweat, I've seen it all. So heat up a nice mug of schadenfreude because today I'm giving you a rundown of the top 5 worst wardrobe malfunctions in the gym. And you know most of them involve me. Sigh.

[Edited to add: One early commenter on this post was concerned that I and/or my commenters were making fun of individual people for their fashion sense or body type. I hope that that is not the case! In this post I try to keep the emphasis on what bad clothes do to good people. It doesn't matter what shape you are in or how long you've been working out, wardrobe malfunctions happen to the best of us and sometimes the only thing you can do is laugh at yourself:) I hope everyone feels safe here. Feel free to call me out if you think I'm bodysnarking!]

Five: Aerobics Instructor Splits Her Pants... And Keeps on Teaching
A classic example of good gym clothes gone bad, I had an aerobics teacher attacked by her spandex capris. There she was, teaching a great class and singing along to the tunes when she jumped into a deep squat. We couldn't hear the tear over the music but it became immediately apparent courtesy of the mirrors that line every flat surface in cardio rooms. What was also apparent was that she wasn't wearing undies. That was bad enough but the real hijinks ensued when we realized that she didn't seem to realize what had happened. At first I thought perhaps she was just going to finish out the track and then discreetly cross her legs for the rest of the class. But the next song started and she just kept on going, in spite of all the looks and muted giggles from the (thankfully all female) class. I mouthed to Gym Buddy Allison, "Should we tell her?" Allison shook her head as this teacher was not known for appreciating comments from the peanut gallery but changed her mind after the next song when it seemed the tear was widening. Before we got an impromptu class in Stripperobics, we approached her together. I politely pointed out the problem and Allison offered her sweatshirt to tie around her waist.

She waved us away with an impatient, "You girls worry about the silliest things!" And she finished teaching the class.

Four: Turbo Jennie Loses Her Top
I've shared this moment before - with her permission - but it was just so classic that it had to make my top 5. Jennie is known for her impeccable taste in workout attire. She always looks cute and put together but not in that I-spent-$700-to-buy-a-perfectly-coordinated-Lululemon-set way but rather I just rolled out of bed and happen to always look this darling. And on this particular day she was wearing a grey halter top that fastened behind her neck with a hook. A hook apparently made by Fredricks of Hollywood. It chose the moment when she was instructing the leg track in BodyPump, complete with weighted bar across her shoulders to disengage. Upon feeling the draft, quick thinking Jennie, turned around - bar and all - so her back was to the class. Which would have helped had she not been flanked by mirrors. Thankfully she was rescued by another instructor and in true fit teacher form didn't even drop her weights. Strangely attendance in her classes increased 10-fold after the incident;)

Three: Woman Aerobicizes in See Through Pants
There's a reason those super tight cotton leggings went out in the '80s. And it's not just because of the color blocking down the sides or a waistband you can tuck into your armpits. See, the thing is - they're thin. You wouldn't think that would be terribly worrisome as long as the wearer kept up on their personal grooming. But then you weren't staring them down while laying on your back doing abs. The combination of the thin cotton stretched too tightly, bright lighting and no underwear caused the Gym Buddies and I to come face to face with - well, there's just no polite way to say it - some distinct female anatomy. It was so shocking that I actually did a double take. It was Lindsay Lohan does group fit, minus any cutely placed smiley faces. Nobody needs to see that.

Two: Men in Split Shorts
So far all the victims have been women but men do not escape the wrath of Lycra scorned. Those of you who run in Serious Races (as opposed to the rest of us who "run" in "races") are well accustomed to seeing men running in side-split shorts. For those of you not so acquainted with this fashion delight, they're basically running shorts but much shorter and with a slit up each side that goes to the waistband to allow for greater leg movement (see above). For some reason I cannot comprehend they usually don't come with built-in undies and some men decline to wear any at all. Split shorts are fine and dandy for Serious Racing. They are not appropriate gym attire as demonstrated by not one but several charming older fellows at my gym. Evidence One: riding a stationary bike. Every time his leg went up, so did his shorts, causing Gym Buddy Allison to christen them the Cleavage Shorts. Evidence Two: the lifted quad stretch. This gentleman proceeded to lift his leg behind him in an elegant quad stretch. Sadly, I was right behind him and got to see what is normally the territory of nursing home or hospital staff. My mother, who is a nurse, says that if you've seen one set of twig-n-berries you've seen them all. I disagree. Ahem.

One: My Photoshoot for First
Last month I did an interview with First Magazine on how to get comfortable enough with your body to feel good working out in a gym (look for me on newsstands in January!) and part of the interview was a photoshoot. My previous experience as a fitness model was super fun and so I was all psyched to do this shoot. I had my own stylist! And makeup artist! And camera man (who giggled like a Teletubby)! And lighting assistant!

They all descended on the Y to transform me into a workout nymph and then photograph me in my natural setting. My first clue that things might not go as I envisoned should have been when they turned me into Sarah Palin in yoga pants. "Hmmm.... Does anyone ever tell you you like Sarah P..." the makeup artist started to ask as she covered up the burn marks on my neck that look like hickies despite being over 6 months old. "Tina Fey?" I interrupted hopefully. "Um, yeah, Tina Fey. You definitely look like Tina Fey." Because I'm sure Tina Fey works out in Tammy Faye worthy makeup and a bouffant.

My first top was cute: a little blue Danskin number with a built-in bra that actually made me look like I have something on top other than what belongs in a Kleenex box. I held 10-lb weights and preened and curtseyed and looked pensive and otherwise really ticked off all the people on the weight floor who had to walk around my circus to get to the weight rack. (Note: I started out curling 20-pounders as is my usual but then I realized that we weren't stopping at 3 sets of 8-12 reps. Nope, I ended up bicep curling for a solid half hour straight. While smiling. Which is how I ended up with wussy 10 pound weights. I have new respect for fitness models and their tiny baby weights. I was sore for days.)

The second outfit was where it all went wrong. We were well into hour two by this point and when I went into the bathroom to change, I discovered the second top - a super cute Champion dip dye tank - had no built in bra. I had no bra. The stylist had no bra. (For me. I'm sure she was wearing one. Not that I checked. Anyhow.) So I sucked it up and went commando, hoping it wouldn't be too obvious. It was terribly obvious. Especially when the flash went off. For the first time in my life I had empathy for Sharon Stone. I blushed and roundhoused with my arms clamped to my chest. The photographer tried to reassure me, "Don't worry, that's what Photoshop is for!"

And I might've been okay. There I was sitting in a full lotus bathed in golden light and trying my best to look ethereal and not constipated. I was relaxing, it was fun. But then the woman who was there to powder my scalp and smooth out the wrinkles in my shirt and pick the lint off the butt of my pants leaned down and whispered "Sweetie, could you lift those up? They seem to be, uh, falling." At first I thought she meant my feet. She did not.

I blushed from head to toe and then in true Charlotte fashion exlaimed, "I can't help it! I've had 4 children! AND I BREASTFEED!" The photographer burst out laughing. The assistant almost dropped her light reflector thingy. And the stylist looked as if I had just convinced her to never ever procreate. I couldn't stop myself. "You think these are bad? You should see my stretch marks!" Then I made them all turn around while I put the girls back where anatomy charts say they are supposed to reside. I'm sure they will remember me always.

Remember When Kate Moss Was Skinny?

Well she's not now. Don't get your Calvin Klein's in a bunch, it's not like anyone is calling K. Mo. fat. (Hmm... K.Mo. Yeah, okay, I can see why that never caught on.) But in today's game of anorexic roulette, the Waif herself comes out looking rather... normal.

Take Kate in the '90s. Not even any visible ribs! And real breasts!! And yet every major publication hailed her as the malnourished poster child for Heroin Chic.


And who can forget her famous CK undies ad? Sure, you can see her hip bones. And her thighs probably wouldn't touch if she put her foot down. (What exactly is she doing there? Checking for plantar warts?) But her arms have meat on them and you can't count the sinews in her knees.


Then there is this magazine cover - beautiful in the simple way that she made famous - from 2001 (as far as I can tell). No model these days would go out with those collar bones! Where is the pop? The shoulder nub? Her cheeks even lack their signature sunken appearance (probably because she is, for once, posing with her mouth closed).


Even today, as evidenced by her current reign as October's Vogue cover girl, she's thin but, admit it, looks kinda normal - at least by media standards.


See, Kate just isn't serious enough about continuing this Auschwitz chic that she started. If she were, she'd be doing the "banana bag" diet which is neither as porny nor as healthy as it sounds. The awkward moniker comes from the yellow color of the fluid in the IV bags. The fluid that starlets are mainline-ing in an effort to get their vital nutrients without the calories.

According to the Daily Mail, "Designed as IV drips for alcoholic patients in hospitals (who are undernourished from drinking more than they eat), this yellow-coloured liquid is being snapped up by those who opt out of eating in order to fit into their Kova & T Latex leggings."

Why would anyone feel the need to be so skinny that they would choose to get their multivitamin via a saline drip? Because they're competing with this:


And this:


Like I said, remember when Kate Moss was skinny?

My Favorite Health and Fitness Magazine [My debut as a video girl]

Having long professed my love for Experience Life magazine, I was beyond thrilled when they asked me to be in a promo video they were making. A camera crew camped out with me and my rowdy band of children for three hours one afternoon as I rhapsodized about how much I adore this mag.

A few things in the video made me giggle:

1. Can you spot the kid that's not mine? I do have a lot of kids but not quite this many! (Hint: The blond one.)

2. Back lighting makes my hair look reaaalllly thin. Note to self. Also, I should really wear lipstick.

3. That woman with the baby is the fastest nut chopper I have ever seen! She's amazing! I'd slice my fingers off for sure. Also, her baby sucking her lips is the cutest thing ever.

4. I would never, ever have my laptop at the table with my children and their sticky spilling fingers!

5. But true story: I do totally ignore them running circles around me while I giggle over blog comments and catch up on my reader, just like in the video.

6. Me sitting in a sunlit chair reading a mag? Never happens. More likely I'm holed up in my messy bathroom with the door locked again ignoring my kids for 10 minutes of peace so I can finish reading the article about how to find more peace in my life but the camera crew didn't think that was quite the vibe they wanted.

7. I have pretty fingers when I type! Look at that form! My piano teacher would be so proud.

8. Jelly Bean sitting next to me and shaking her head. Man my kids are cute!

9. My Twitter friend Brad is also in the vid! And he does perfect decline push-ups!

The best thing about this video though is that everything they (we) say about it is true. I've never read another mag like it. It's smart, well-researched, comprehensive and like Pilar, the Editor-in-chief says, it has authenticity and integrity. If you haven't ever read it, go check out their site. Their archives alone are a gold mine of reliable, well-written health and fitness info!